Motherhood Brings Meaning, But Possibly Not How You Thought It Would
It’s long been assumed that motherhood brings meaning to our lives. We guide, love, nurture and support our offspring and sometimes really feel appreciated in return — all elements that can fuel our connectedness and satisfaction in the world. It’s easy to discover meaningful moments as a mom, but it’s when issues are tough that it appears we don’t know how to interpret what meaning is. What if the greatest reward and meaning of becoming a mother is the growth our kids force us to do?
Being a parent is a very difficult job no matter how you slice it, but to further the true blessing that youngsters are is to function equally hard on being conscious and mindful of the growth our kids call forth in us. Maybe your patience needs function or your crucial side requirements to be quieted or you need to discover compassion or you could stand to give up some perfectionism. Parenting in a sort and loving way can only come if we face these issues in ourselves. Maybe this is the accurate meaning behind being in relationship with these souls.
There is no higher hot button for me than feeling rendered irrelevant or ineffective. Not being able to calm and fussy baby or now, a pre-teen who is convinced they are unpopular and as a result unworthy of living are circumstances that can set me off into an irrational frustration that usually results in an ugly scene. I may yell or let some thing come out of my mouth that is less than constructive. Shame follows immediately but it has taken years to massage this problem into a submissive state where I can remain reasonably conscious and restrain from acting out of a lower consciousness. (i.e. dysfunctional behavior)
I know far better. I teach individuals how to communicate much more efficiently, I teach spiritual concepts, I have practiced yoga and meditation. Why is this still challenging? Since this is the real work. These kids (I have a total of 3) make me face my own demons, my own feelings of helplessness or unworthiness. It is only as I work by means of them that I can really be totally free and present for them. It is only by way of their presence refining me, the grain sand in the oyster, that a pearl will emerge. A pearl that brightens issues for every person when the work is done.
Do not get me wrong, it is not about mom becoming ideal before she can parent. It is about the path that dishes out its bumps and makes us greater since of them. Our young children are component of those bumps. Their troubles are our difficulties, their personalities hand picked to iron out the wrinkles in our being, their triumphs ours to hope we had something to do with.
Each of my kids shines a spotlight on the places where my capacity for love can stand to grow. Of course, they are all talented and gorgeous and I adore them much more than anything, but they also grow me. And growth is usually painful or at least uncomfortable. They are here FOR us — to grow us — they don’t come to us to just be lovely adornments to our life who exist to make us pleased.
My fussy baby/pre-teen is extremely sensitive and TLC from mom is usually not powerful. I am still working on the patience and bandwidth needed to uncover an entry to his psyche that enables comfort and connection. It comes usually but it’s an unpredictable series of attempts by means of the maze of his wiring to open him back to breathing at ease with the flow of life. It is work and it is a testament to enjoy that we hang in there together to get back to it.
My middle child can be petulant and wants to be correct at all costs. ARGH! Regardless of being lovely, caring and talented in a lot of creative approaches, her resistance is a widespread stumbling block to discipline, cooperation and negotiation. Our relationship causes me to be confronted with my own will need to be appropriate. It took me a couple of years to learn that a power struggle was not going to be the answer.
I had to give up the fight to be correct and discover not to be hooked by the pull of that game. I discovered a way to remain above the fray like a mature adult ought to (if they didn’t have their own wounds) and guide her to her own answers that usually show her how really mistaken her logic is! Of course, I don’t gloat but I have finally learned to unhook from the drama that she is so great at making.
My youngest has introduced me to the world of having a child with unique needs. He’s had a seizure disorder and we’ve entered the world of special education. Soon after four years, we have suddenly gone into remission and are hoping to be pronounced cured soon. The growth being asked of me via this child has been about trusting my judgment just before that of professionals and advocating for my child medically and education-wise. He has grown me into a warrior. Not a barbaric warrior, but rather a force to reckoned with who will draw on whatever strength I may possibly not have even identified I had to do proper by him. In spite of doubt, worry and sleepless nights, the challenge has been to remain mentally strong sufficient to keep looking for solutions and believe in my son’s ability to heal. Trying to stay in love instead of in fear. This has been part of my personal journey and what I work with clients on and here, it has been tested a lot more and much more.
Meaningful connections as mothers? Surely! Usually a sunny, straightforward ride? Hardly ever! Our children are in reality ministers to our soul’s growth. They have a higher calling then whatever their careers turn out to be. We have to let our small ministers to their really huge function. Even if we, their mothers, are the greatest function they came to transform.
©2009 Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Little Book on Meaning
Author Bio
Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Small Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Generate It, is a nationally renowned speaker and life coach, helping individuals, tiny companies, and corporations forge new directions and weather alter. Lately ordained as an interfaith minister, she lives in Montclair, New Jersey.
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